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The following is a rant-esque writing. As the title suggests, feel free to ignore this journal. I just needed to write this down somewhere and I don't have a blog.

So, as I sit here listening to AltNation (it's a satellite radio channel that I've grown quite fond of in recent weeks, for those who were curious), it seems that August 14th has dawned upon us. All summer, I'd been looking forward to this day, mostly because it signified the one month mark till I can leave the god-awful state of Ohio and head on down to Georgia for college. But these days, those feelings of relief have been replaced by those of stress and panic. Not because I'm scared of going, no. The problem is that I have practically no money to pay the fees.

The school gave me 10 grand in grants and that's all fine and dandy but I'm still short about 30K (and that's just covering tuition, housing and food). The last few weeks, my mother and I have been scrambling to find a loan and we almost had one. I tried to get a loan on my own but the lender said I needed a cosigner and I'd be eligible for up to 25K, which I'd take in a heartbeat! Unfortunately, after mom cosigned for me, the lender deemed that mom's credit was too low and refused to give us any money. We'd try another lender but I'm 99% sure they'll all tell us the same thing.

Now, you may be asking yourself "JD, why don't you have your dad cosign instead?". That is a good question, reader! You'd think that'd be the easiest solution. However, that's not the case. Follow me on this one. Dad said he can't, or rather won't, cosign my load because my stepmom, and this is verbatim, "will divorce him if he signs". Fucked up? I know, right? Now, I haven't approached my stepmother and explained how much of a mega-bitch she is but from past conversations, I can assume that her reasoning is that by cosigning, that puts their credit on the line and in the result I can't repay my loans, they'll suffer. I can understand that to a degree. But here's how I see it: she has no problem with me potentially ruining someone else's credit(my mother's, my grandfather's, etc.) but as soon as it's her own, she gives me the finger and boot, metaphorically.

Is that not one of the most fucked up things you've ever heard? For someone who likes to claim of many occasions "I swear he's my son!", she sure as hell doesn't act like it. All she ever fucking does is sleep, eat, make excuses to her boss of why she's "too sick" to go into work and on the rare occasion she does go in, she just comes home and bitches about how everyone in her office is out to get her. The woman also still sleeps with teddy bears and, even creepier, likes to make them talk to me and dad.

Let's shift focus. I think I've ranted on my stepmother enough. I'll rant about my seemingly testicle-less father! I've got more than enough to complain about my father; probably enough to fill up a book with but let's stay on topic. I swear dad has become so whipped by this woman, just for the sheer fact that she was the only woman out of the multitude women who were in and out of my life as a child, who was dumb enough to marry him and he's afraid of losing her. Really? This is a woman who has threatened to divorce you for not paying the storage locker bill (we would've lost everything in the locker had he not payed it; turns out that right after she threatened him, I reread the letter and saw that the bill wasn't due till the following month), helping out his own child by just cosigning a loan so he can go to college and those are the only ones I'm aware of! I'm sure she's done it plenty of other times.

God damn. And people wonder why the fuck I want to so desperately get the fuck out of this state. It's so I can get away from these idiots, for lack of a better term. So, with college bearing down, I'm running out of options. Mom said she'd look into trying to get a Plus Loan (Google it) and maybe I can get some money that way. I'm really hoping that works because that's really my last shot. If I can't get the money I need by the first of the month, I'm doomed to community college and lord knows I won't be able to have the future I want settling for that. For once in my life, I'm actually passionate about something and I have a fucking dream and it's yet again because of money, I get royally fucked. Money has always been the biggest issue in my life for as long as I can remember and it remains that way today.

I don't know what to do anymore, people. I'm not suicidal, emo or anything like that but if I miss my opportunity to go to college, I don't know what else I have to live for. Seriously, all my friends are going off to college or are already in college, I've got no girlfriend when it seems like everyone else has a significant other to comfort them and it's starting to look like my entire future is half-way down the crapper already. Something has been floating around in my head the last few days. It's what I'd ask God, if I technically believed in him, if ever given the chance to take to him. "For once in my miserable life, can something go right for me? No? Well, guess it's too much to ask."

Damn, AltNation has had a pretty bitchin' song list playing while I've been writing this. A sign perhaps? Doubt it.